Don't Knock When I'm Boarding Up the Door

AYOKO NA!



pero mahirap malimutan.
Hanap niyo ko ng magandang paraan para makalimot.
para hindi na mahirap.

For Whom?

I-commemorate na lang natin ang araw na ito, 25 September 2007.

Nagising ako 10:38 ng umaga. Dapat 8am. 11:30 class ko.
Umulan. Basa na naman ang kalye.
Magsh-shoot sana ako. Pero ang corny ng araw.
Magsh-shoot rin sana ako, pero wala yung subject.
I-dedicate ko sana last frame ng uber-film ko.
Wala uli yun mamaya. WTF
Napanood ko kanina ang La Haine.
Dazed ako pagkatapos ko manood.
Kumain ako ng fishball.
Umuulan pa rin.
May special thing pala kanina.
Dumaan ako sa underpass,
Kasama ng mga taong busy na napepeste ng ulan
At lahat on a rush towards wherever
Tapos at the corner of my eye,
May nakita akong mga brochurs na nalaglag.
SM 3-day sale brochures
Inaayos niya at tumingin-tingin sa mga tao
Wala lang. Nilingonan ko siya ng paakyat na ko ng hagdanan.
At nag-rush-in sa akin bigla ang isang malaking istorya.
At parang ambagal ng mundo pagkatapos.
Actually kanina pa mabagal, nung after La Haine pa lang.
Tapos nabullshit na araw ko.
Ansaya nga pala ng SM Manila kapag 10pm+
Actually yung labas, sarado na yun e.
Isang malaking gray structure.
May looming na blue letters.
Napaka-majestic.
The wet empty streets, the yellow street lights.
At ang tunog ng yapak ko.
Lalo na kung pano nag-e-echo ang mga boses namin.
Tapos naguguluhan ako nun kanina.
Ayaw ko na magsalita.
Nag-iisip lang ako ng wala habang pauwi.
At nagmamadali na rin akong umuwi.
Di na naman ako mapakali.

At na-BS yung load ko. Namigay ako ng libreng 25pesos.
Naiinis pa rin ako. Ano ba gusto nating mangyari?
Ano ba ang totoo? Ano ba ang dapat paniwalaan ko?
Sa nangyayari, mas naguguluhan ako.
Kaya, don't talk like you care.
'Kasi, you really don't.

Leave

Silaw sa umaga.
Tunog sa bus.
Simoy sa lakad.
Paso ng araw.
Usok sa bibig.
Pitik. Pitik.
Itim at puti.
Pawis sa leeg.
Lagkit sa braso.
Salita, salita.
Itago't maglakad.
Putik sa paa.
Ilaw. Ilaw.
Ipikit ang mata.
Isiping mabuti.
Itim at puti.

Repetitive

Apparently, I found myself here again, lost in the sprawl of Quezon City. Evan, who was the only one available to accompany me, suggested that we visit his friend's flat. His 'friend' who he would casually mention again and again.

'How much money did you waste for those flowers?' He asked.

I admired the 3000 peso bouquet that which I hold, forced a smirk, and I said, 'Not much'.

'What would you do then now that you can't give it to her?'

'I don't know, maybe I'd give these to a random stranger tonight' and I laughed.

Now for the rest of our walk, he told me things about this friend of him. Some of which, strangely, I have already known. Maybe, from the fact that he has repetitively told me about her.

'Do you see each other much?' I asked.

'No, not lately'.

I often get the feeling that I've been to places before. Which is of course, not true, but some places do look and feel alike. Luckily this time, I did not go a street further. And there she was, leaning on her doorway. Surely she was not quite that bad, actually, she's cute. And yes, I look awkward because I have a bouquet with me.

Surprisingly Evan's eyes did not go bright when we saw her. Or, he really was good in hiding his feelings, whatever feelings he has for her.

Well she was sweet, and I'd wish somehow we met her better. And in me, it felt like it was already granted. What can I do? We were strangers, and I am not in a position to speak much.

'For whom are those flowers for?' She asked kindly.

Evan answered for me, 'It's for his girl, and she can't accept it.'

'Oh well, how sad can that be?"

'It's all worth it' I said, with a big smile.

'Maybe you can try leaving it at her house' Evan suggested.

'I'll do that the next time.'

While they went on with their talk, my eyes wondered around her place. This was definitely home. We all share common features on our houses: stacked books, magazines, cd's. One thing I don't have is a comfortable bed. I wish I could lie down in her bed. I can already feel it.

Time wore on for them, at least for Evan. But for me, it endlessly dragged on, and it is also time to go home. I went out after Evan. Before the door closed, I gave her a discreet smile. And she, she gave me a raised eyebrow. Then she smiled.

We were well on our way home when Evan asked me where the flowers were.

'I left it at her flat. Maybe she's a deserving random stranger.' I smiled. I took his advice.

Try This Trick

Oooh. I dropped. Nagwear-off na invincibility potion ko. Shucks. I haven't done anything worthwhile lately. At mas unreliable na ang mga tao, di nga lang alam na unrealiable sila. Well actually, lahat sila ay gusto ng fair trial -- as if they care. Ang pang evaluate mo ng mga tao ay: "what can I use you for?" Oh come on.

Magpapaaawa ba ko para mapansin ako? Ewan.

Anyway, bound naman tayong maramdaman to. Hargh. Sana meron akong mapagbibigyan ng full attention ko. Unfortunately for them, they won't let me in. So why would I waste time? Diyan na kayo sa inyong private hells. Or siguro fucking weekend lang ngayon, kaya ganito. Weekends should be for sleeping. And I'd only give back as much as what you give me, I won't move for you. Kasi, apparently, I have more to offer than anyone would. You would be too lucky.

The days will go on with regularity again.

Marvin will not make the first move anymore.

Two to One

Aargh. Naka-miss ako ng isang night filled with disappointment and compromise dahil nayaya ako ni Mr. Tolentino. Ansaya no? Around 8pm ng gabi, at busog na busog ako sa sisig at java rice, tapos biglang yaya, umuulan pa nun. At ayun nga, masaya naman. Sigh.

Tapos umuwi ako ng 5:15 ng umaga, tapos galit pa saken nanay ko. Naalala ko yung Manila by Night ni Mr. Bernal. At may klase ako ng 10am, kaya gumising ako ng 8am. A celebration of humanity all right.

Siyempre sabog ako nung gabi, fucked up, at gusto kong maulit, asap. Argh.

Ang hapdi ng mata ko.

Boxing the Stars

Sigh. Lately pa naman ansaya ng tulog ko. Kasi, I wake to up an exceptionally beautiful day, for the past two days. Kasi, di ko rin alam kung bakit. Pero ngayun, parang nagwe-wear off na. Argh. Sisikapin kong walang makasira niyang mood ko! Not even you. Ha! Ay, siguro kaya medyo down ako eh dahil hindi uli ako naka-enjoy ng humanity ko ngayon. Actually kumain kaming Mcdo kanina, big mac pa aken omg. :) Pero ayun, na-perfect hell yata ako ngayon, perfect hell a la jack's mannequin. Sa mga susunod na araw, id-drown ko na lang sarili ko sa Jack's Mannequin, ang bago kong Moulin Rouge OST. Hmmmmm.

I'm ready to drop again. :(

Ik-kwento ko na lang excursion ko kahapon. Kailangan ko daw pumunta airport kaya ayun, sinama ko si kris galvez. Tapos ansaya. Nag-taxi kami papunta dun, at parang nakaka-nostalgic ng pagta-taxi, ewan ko kung ano sa past ko. Pero ayun, tulog yung loko. At ako, naisip ko na ireset to zero yung plane-meter ko. Nasa 50+ na ko eh. Naman. So uulitin ko kasi bagong wish, bagong buhay. At oo, tingin ko nabuhay ako uli. Pero ayan namamatay na naman yata ako. Oh well. And I can't do anything anymore. Sigh.

Pero ansaya matulog talaga lately. Thursday pa bukas, pwede ko pa ma-cherish yung magiging dream ko. Yey. Sana mas maging masaya tayong lahat.

Use Me

Grabe o, september 10 na. Ano na ba nangyari sa mundo?

Tapos pinaiyak ako nitong isa, at di pa tapos kwento ko. Pero, parang ansarap umiyak, sobra. Tapos nagkaiyak period pala ako. Wala namang nagbabasa nito kaya magkukuwento ako.

Ayan. Tinawagan kami ng nanay ko tapos umaga nun tulog pa ko, pero naririnig ko sila at siguro, say, half-awake ako. Gusto ako pabilin ng load para makatawag sa tita ko. Eh ewan ko, nambibitch fit ako nun. Tapos tinawag na talaga ako ng aking dear nanay. Tapos grabe. Nagdrama! Bumanat na gusto lang namin na tumatanggap kami ng pera sa kanya, and all that jazz. Shiet. Sabi ko sa kanya, 'ano ba yan? Bakit may ganyan?' Naisip ko tuloy si Marvin Agustin dun sa Tanging-Ina. Takte nainis ako sa sarili ko, ansama kong anak. At siyempre naiiyak na ko nun. Grabe. Napatay ko na nga isang magulang ko para sa sarili ko eh. Ano na ba meron para sa amin?

Sakit sa ulo. Ano na ba nacontribute ko sa humanity lately? Wala grabe. Umaabot ako ng 11pm sa et5 o sa jci. Ano ginagawa? Nanonood ng pustahan. Kumakain ng sisig. Naglalaro. Tapos uuwi mag-o-online, tapos maglalaro pa rin. Tapos tulog. Tapos ganun na naman uli.

Argh. Ano ba latest na ginawa ko na hindi nag-cycle? Nag-photo visit kami sa downtown Manila, nagbasa ako ng libro na nakapanggu-guho ng mga kasalukuyang mga pamantayan ko, kaya nga medyo nagising ako. Tapos meron pa, nag walk out ako kay kris kasi ine-ewan ako, at pumunta ako sa bakal sa sunken, nakikinig ng WRock at nakatingin sa ulap. Sinukat rin kung gaano katagal mauubos ang isang sigarilyo, tapos walanya, naglaro rin pagkatapos. Argh.

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To Whom It May Concern:

Naman. You are always free to use me by any means you see fit. That's the least I could do to help you, or hmm, show my love to you! It's just that I couldn't hurt myself enough to smile now that I'm sharing moments with you. Haha. Ayaw ko na ng stinging pain near me heart, saka a heavy chest. Still, I'm happy that I've done something to ease whatever burden you're carrying.

Yours truly,
marbin

P.S. Disappointed ako sa sarili ko sobra nung iniwan kita.


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Kawawa naman ako. I can't hold on to anything. Basta eto na lang, I give all I got. And that should be worth more than anything else.

Crash

Nag-crash pala ako. Narealize ko kagabi, bago matulog. Tapos oo, I qualify on some symptoms. Yuck. Kala ko nag iinarte lang ako. Anyway, it won't make any difference. Pero eto, irritable ako ngayon. Ayos lang talaga ako pero pag nagtrigger, wtf. Nakakainis.

Still, anuman ang meron, Me-Mode lang ako for the past week or weeks. I just don't care enough to fuck with anyone. Hindi yan repression. I just feel that some people don't deserve my time. And, they'll just waste it anyway. Why bother? You fly.

Praning. Nakakainis uli.

I should have been in another place, but I just care enough not to leave you. You poor thing.

Pero gusto ko kumain sa labas, gusto kong mag-celebrate. Or, ano, make myself feel happy by investing money on food, or cinema, perhaps. Kahit na ayaw ko yung kasama ko, ayos lang siguro.

Tapos 61 lang ako sa fucking test sa pol sci. Ang score na yun ay passing+1. Yuck. Ayos lang, di ako nag-aral, haha. Pero kung nag-aral ako parang halos walang pinagkaiba. Siguro up by 5 to 10 points lang at most. Pero nakakainis pa rin, ambaba eh! Tapos yung test pa sa Film 100 at yung paper. Sana ayos lang, above 2.0 naman sana.

Madami nga pala akong dinamay nung depression ko, na tingin ko eh meron pa rin.